Laughter, The Best Medicine

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Successor on Tue Feb 02, 2010 2:50 pm

Another Joke

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man: ‘At your age, how do you do that?’
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.
Another year passes, and the man car...ries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.
He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!’.
He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.
She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.

_____________________


When you kiss someone for a minute, you both burn about 2.6 calories.

According to that math, it would take about an hour of kissing to burn 156 calories. A person who runs for 45 at a 10mph pace burns 538 calories. Which one would you rather do?

I would rather kiss a person for 6 hours instead =)

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by kenzhi on Fri Apr 09, 2010 2:40 pm

Guest wrote:The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say "there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer" or "that's Michael, he's a doctor"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out "and there's the teacher, she's dead".

I like this joke most haha. king

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:23 am

My male colleague sent this to all the female colleagues sometime ago.... LOL


Ladies, if you cycle, choose the colour of the bicycle seat properly!



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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by jor on Fri Apr 16, 2010 5:20 am

xinmin reported this before.... same as eng-chinese translation... a pri sch kid, i think, wanted to learn eng... that's y he put all this...



Source: http://www.chinanews.com.cn/edu/edu-xyztc/news/2010/04-07/2212385.shtml


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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Fri Apr 16, 2010 5:37 am

LOL......

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Wed Apr 21, 2010 7:14 am

Have you been complaining about our MRT?

We should feel fortunate when compared to what's happening in the trains at the Moscow subway



yucks...young lady,this is animal abuse!!




hmm .... looks like she stole the toilet roll from the public toilet?



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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Wed May 26, 2010 11:08 pm

Quite out of breath, the man reached the fifth floor.

“Doctor, what do I have to do to feel better?” he asked.

“Eat less and lose 20 kgs. Stop smoking and drinking. And, finally, visit an optician.”

“An optician? What for?”

“Because then you’d be able to read the sign on the door. I’m an architect; the doctor’s on the first floor.”


Last edited by Inachi on Thu May 27, 2010 1:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Successor on Wed May 26, 2010 11:46 pm

OMG, I can't believe what happened in Moscow Trains, they are simply so uncouth...And why is the old man dressing like that, a little disgusting.

_____________________


When you kiss someone for a minute, you both burn about 2.6 calories.

According to that math, it would take about an hour of kissing to burn 156 calories. A person who runs for 45 at a 10mph pace burns 538 calories. Which one would you rather do?

I would rather kiss a person for 6 hours instead =)

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sat May 29, 2010 12:26 pm

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.

"How can I help you?" asked the male stylist.

"I went for a hair transplant." the guy explained. "but I couldn't stand the pain and gave up. If you can make my head look like yours without causing me any pain and discomfort, I'll pay you $10,000."

"No problem, just give me ten minutes, I'll be right back" said the stylist, and he returned with his head bald.

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sat May 29, 2010 12:31 pm

After they'd brought their first baby home from the hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy." he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh," he replied finally. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sun May 30, 2010 12:53 am

There was an 85-year old woman who found her husband in bed with another woman. She was so enraged that she dragged him to the balcony of their high-rise and pushed him to his death.

When she appeared in court, the judge asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.

"Well, Your Honour," she said, "I figured if at 92 he could make love, he could fly too."

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sun May 30, 2010 12:57 am

While drinking at the lake, a young bear admires its reflection and growls, "I am the king of the beasts!"

Along comes a lion and roars, "What was that I just heard???"

"Oh dear," says the bear. "you say strange things when you've had too much to drink."

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Successor on Mon May 31, 2010 8:23 pm

The shoe box story (delusion, men and women, marriage, relationships, secrets, weddings and best-man speeches)


There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

_____________________


When you kiss someone for a minute, you both burn about 2.6 calories.

According to that math, it would take about an hour of kissing to burn 156 calories. A person who runs for 45 at a 10mph pace burns 538 calories. Which one would you rather do?

I would rather kiss a person for 6 hours instead =)

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:15 am

In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying, put the change in her bag, and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.

Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in.

At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.

"You put it in your bag with your change."

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:20 am

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband. "I don't even know that woman!"

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:24 am

"You know, Mike, whenever my wife and I get into an argument, she gets historical."

"You mean hysterical, Roy, don't you?"

"No, I mean historical... she remembers everything I ever did wrong and the exact date and time that it happened."

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:45 am

One day, a man walked into a pet shop and asked for an unusual pet.

"I know just the thing," said the shop assistant, "a clever centipede."

"What does it do?" asked the man.

"Everything you tell it to," came the reply.

The man took the clever centipede home and asked it to fetch his slippers, which it did. It turned on the TV, made him a cup of tea, even vacuumed and ironed.

The man remembered that he hadn't bought a newspaper, so he sent the clever centipede out for one. After waiting two hours, there was still no sign of the centipede. Approaching the door he spotted the centipede on the stairs. "Where have you been?" he asked.

"Nowhere," said the centipede. "I'm still putting my boots on."

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sun Jun 06, 2010 11:35 am

When the bus arrived at its stop, the gorgeous woman at the head of the line tried to climb aboard but couldn’t because of her tight skirt. Thinking quickly, she reached back and undid her zipper a little to allow more movement. Still, her skirt was too snug, so she lowered her zipper again.

Unable to climb aboard, she adjusted it a third time, but again it wasn’t enough to allow her to step up.

Tired of waiting, the man behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and hoisted her onto the bus.

“Who do you think you are to touch me in that way?” the woman said angrily.

“Well, ma’am,” the man replied, “after you undid the zipper on my pants, I assumed we are pretty good friends.”

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sun Jun 06, 2010 11:44 am

A visitor passing through the countryside stopped to ask a farmer for the time. “Just a moment,” said the farmer.

With that, he crouched down beside a cow in the pasture and lifted the udder ever so gently. “Ten to one,” was the reply.

The visitor was astounded. “How can you tell time by feeling a cow’s udder?”

“Come here, and I’ll show you,” said the farmer. “If you crouch down like this and lift up the udder, you can just see the church clock across the valley.”


Last edited by Inachi on Sun Sep 04, 2011 12:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Fri Jun 11, 2010 1:47 pm

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to a dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any painkillers because I’m in a big hurry.” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman.” He said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Fri Jun 11, 2010 1:48 pm

A local supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packed portions of the poultry, so she complained to the supervisor.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”

Hours later, she heard the supervisor’s voice boomed over the public address system. “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Fri Jun 11, 2010 1:55 pm

When a car skidded on a wet pavement and struck a light pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first aid.”

The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sun Jun 13, 2010 12:27 am

Excuses, Excuses!


1) Tardiness was a real problem for a particular employee, whose excuses were becoming increasingly incredible. One morning she was more than two hours late, and called the employer to explain that she had awakened to discover two male window washers on scaffolding outside her bedroom window. Because she slept in the nude, she was waiting for them to leave so that she could get up and go to work.


2) A driver of a truck filled with onions was stopped for speeding. He told the police officer that he had to drive fast to keep ahead of the smell. Otherwise, his eyes would fill with tears, and then he couldn’t see to drive.


3) Police officers hear plenty of excuses from people caught speeding. Once, a police officer stopped a woman for going 100 km in a 50 km zone. When asked if she knew the speed limit, she answered correctly. When questioned why she was going so fast, “Oh, I just pulled out of the car wash,” she said. “I was blow-drying my car.”

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:51 am

The patient looks distrustfully at his prescription, then at the doctor and says, “In my state of depression, I need something to stimulate me. Something that excites me, that challenges me, that works me up. Is there anything like that in this prescription?”

“Nope,” says the doctor. “You’ll find that in the bill.”

......................

Two longtime business acquaintances were walking down the street, when suddenly one of the men turned to the other, looking very distressed, and said, “My God, here come my wife and my mistress, together.”

“Good grief,” said the other, “mine too!”

.....................

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.

“As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, say ‘$75’. If his eyes don’t flutter, say ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $50.’ If his eyes still don’t flutter, you add ‘each.’”

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

Post by Inachi on Sun Jun 13, 2010 5:02 am

A preacher was asked to give a talk at a local women’s health symposium. His wife asked about his topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, “I’m talking about sailing.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” said his wife.

The next day, at the grocery store, a young woman who had attended the lecture recognized the preacher’s wife.

“That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday,” she said. “He really has a unique perspective on the subject.”

Somewhat chagrined, the preacher’s wife replied, “Gee, funny you should think so. I mean, he’s only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time, he gave up half way.”

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Re: Laughter, The Best Medicine

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